I cannot tell you how long I have been wanting to start a blog, but #life. I had started this several months ago (around June), but the hubs and I suffered a missed miscarriage which anyone that has experienced it for themselves or know of someone who has, it is devastating. A missed miscarriage means that you still have somewhat symptoms of being pregnant, but the baby no longer has a heartbeat. For me personally, I woke up Sean one day sobbing inconsolably knowing I was no longer pregnant, I jult felt it. Empty is the only way I can desribe it.
The two things that the doctor kept reminding me of was that one, sometimes the chromosomes do not form properly and there was something wrong with the baby and two, one in five women over 30 experience miscarriage the first time around. Although you never want to be the one, somehow the small number makes you feel a little less alone. Although I do not want to make this an extremely depressing post for my first one out the gate, I want to talk openly and honesly about it since it seems to be such a quiet not talked about personal issue.
The number one thing for me during this procees, was having an amazingly sympathetic doctor. I highly implore any women to make sure that they have a good fit with their doctor and to "shop around" until you do. No matter how great their ratings are, if there is not a personality fit, you are never going to be comfortable. I drive 40 minutes to mine and he is a 100% worth it. A DNC is traumatizing in and of itself and that extra pair of comforting hands, makes a world of difference.
Here are a couple things to keep in mind if, when, or if you are going through a miscarriage now
Every person is different and thus let yourself feel however you want, scream, curse, cry, laugh...whatever gets you through the moment, its yours to have and do not let anyone tell you any different.
This is NOT your fault...this baby was not ready to be yours yet as painful as it is to come that conculsion (I still battle with it).
Just because you are going to READ everywhere that your most fertal time is after a DNC, you need to be emotionally ready to be intimate. Here is where I am going to overshare being that I am older, I knew I was dealing with a small window and the possibility of possibly miscarrying again loomed over me, but I both wanted and needed to be pregnant again, so we started pretty soon after #butyoudoyouboo
This leads me to the last bit of advice, DO NOT over read the internet.
Although the many forums will be like a warm hug of comfort, you are going to OVERREAD a lot and end up overthinking decisions no matter how right they are for you. I read so many reviews about missed miscarraiges and the heartbeat and how it could kick in at twelve weeks, but after talking this over and indepth with my doctor I felt confident that there was no heartbeat and to proceed with the DNC.
I will be the first to admit that getting my first period was like an emotional knife in the gut. People are going to tell you to be calm and enjoy the time, but its almost impossible when the thought in the back of your mind is "what if this was my only time and I can't get pregnant again?"
I do not look a gift horse in the mouth by any means and the next month I missed my period...we waited an entire week (which felt like EONS) to take the test and there he and I sat watching anything on television and counting down the three minutes. We walked to the bathroom hand in hand and just stared at the clear blue test that so blazingly read "Pregnant."
I remember crying, and making sure that I didn't become illiterate in the last couple minutes (I read it over a lot and waited for the "not" to pop up unexpectantly) and the hubs and I just stared at it in shock...now here I am inching into 22 weeks with a healthy baby who has a healthy baby heartbeat and healthy working organs, but still so cautiously optimistic.
I am excited about our next great adventure and being able to share it somewhere that my child/children can look back at how much they are loved and how hard there father and I worked to get to this point. Hopefully you will stick around for the ride too! For those that have experienced this, or are going thorugh it now, I urge you to ride out the emotional roller coaster, make the best decisions for yourself, surround yourself with positive energy and love, and most of all do not blame yourself, your partner, or body for what is not ready to happen yet.
For my geeky nerd lovers out there...I will leave you with this...
photography c/o Alex Dumas
XOXO, Dana