I write a lot about sunshine and rainbows and things that may seem not relevant to the current state of the world we are in, but I needed this place...I needed the happy. However, I would be remiss to not include the moments where I did not fair well and when the creating of Disney Magic just became too much...everything was too much.
About five months into the pandemic, I started to experience anxiety. Anxiety from not going out anywhere, anxiety that we were not celebrating any major milestones (Danny's first birthday, my birthday, holidays, etc.) outside of our house, anxiety that my Disney Passholder pass was getting canceled (I have been a passholder since they first were introduced), anxiety that I was feeling trapped in the house and we were doing some really small home renovations, anxiety that my workload had increased exponentially and our job responsibilities were going in a different direction from where it had been years prior, and anxiety with these new responsibilities. I have been an Online Advisor for over three years, so transitioning home and being able to conduct my normal day to day business out of the house was not much of a change other than hearing little voices in the background (something I missed a lot of when we brought EV home and have not taken a single second for granted during this time). And lastly, anxiety over being overwhelmed on the weekends creating magical memories for the kids (Sean is great with making sure everything is set up but I do all the research for everything on Pinterest, put everything together, and order the craft supplies).
I also understand a lot of what I mentioned is #firstworldproblems, however, having never experienced anything like this before, I originally attributed it to extreme boredom and just being tense at the current climate that the world was in. I was never the person that didn't handle given situations as they came and have always been the individual who worked best under pressure....until I didn't.
During this time, I remember feeling like I was being swallowed whole, I had difficulty breathing and I just felt a mind numbing feeling of being overwhelmed. Everything was just TOO MUCH!!! I have a fear of drowning and closed in spaces, so I wish I had the exact words for how terrifying the sense of everything drawing in rapidly is when it is unexpected. I had Sean keep the kids inside as I laid on the cool grass outside taking in deep gulping breaths and wondering if I was having a heart attack. I now know that anxiety attacks can literally come out of nowhere with no warning or explanation I have experienced worry or stress about an issue before, but never to this level. The level where I was in a fetal position on the grass trying to focus on the feeling of the ground beneath me and my breathing and wondering how I was going to come out of this moment.
At the end of the day while EV laid in bed and watched television and the Commodore was fast asleep, Sean and I talked about what occurred. I am not sure how to phrase the next part without running myself around a circle, but I can best explain it as that I wear my heart on my sleeve, my facial expressions give everything away, I am a terrible liar and I am transparent at all costs. However in the same breath, I am very happy go lucky and a people pleaser and once I tend to vent everything, it is water under the bridge and I can move on. Who knew that 40 something years in, all of my coping mechanisms would result in the form of me becoming one with our grass just to feel grounded (no pun intended). I am just happy I didn't vomit...I hate vomiting.
The conversation with Sean was a strange one as we are very sarcastic individuals and tend to make a lot of jokes amongst each other so having a very real conversation about what I was experiencing was very humbling and full of "I am trying to tell you what I am experiencing". Beyond the conversation, the two of us came up with a list (I need lists and resolutions) of "needs" from our relationship moving forward. The list included things I felt I needed help with around the house, including when I plan fun things for the kids, but also what I needed emotionally to feel more balanced at the end of the day.
With this, came A LOT of honesty and observations from Sean that either I did not see in myself or that I hadn't known that I was doing. You have to be really ready for this part of the conversation, understand where the discussion is coming from and be prepared to not be defensive. If you by any means do not feel you are in a good space to have this conversation, I would have a set of parameters with your partner in place. You definitely do not want it to be an attacking free for all where you feel worse than when the conversation started. In addition to that, If you feel yourself getting defensive and are taking everything personally (no matter how gentle the conversation), my suggestion would be to tell the person that you need a break and step away from the issue for awhile. In the same breath, your partner/family/support needs to be ready to step up as they too can be defensive when you relay to them what you will need (the "I thought I was doing that" will come out in full effect).
Sean does an enormous amount for our family and there is not a moment where I am not letting him know that I recognize that, but there were definitely small things though seemingly insignificant that were starting to cause me anxiety at the end of the day (especially since I had been working all day and was looking forward to just soaking in the kids). I do all the kids laundry (I 100% prefer it that way so do not think we should share that "load" lol), but he never thinks to check the clothes if they are dry and to put them away. Because I am so organized if he finds things around the house instead of asking where they go, they will get left for me since I have a place for them...when the reality is that he could learn where they go. The amount of times I have to repeat where things are is mind boggling. The sarcastic in me wants to plot out a stick figure map for him. Again, small things, but strangely was beginning to affect my mental state.
the truth of it all (down to the age)
This conversation is really where I embraced the tweet that I shared before (see below). I know I have said it before, but honestly, this has changed how we not only communicate with one another but how we proceed with the conversation...it saves a lot of time and irritation from having opinions that we either had not asked for or were not ready to receive. I have actually started integrating this question with close friends as well when we are discussing personal/sensitive issues and it has kept me from feeling as though I was overstepping my bounds with my personal feelings on the issue ( am fully aware that I can do this).
In case you needed a reminder
At the forefront of dealing with the crippling anxiety (maybe a little dramatic, but for a first-timer...), I also had to acknowledge that I am still a parent. I still have to show up for my family even with everything I was experiencing. I was fully aware that if I was not mentally healthy, I would not be healthy for the kids. I began making a list of things of that were seemingly or unseemingly (thanks Sean) causing me anxiety. I told you I was a lover of lists. I am still the type of person that not only as an online calendar, but carries around a a physical planner as well. I have the type of brain that needs to see everything physically written down and then can check everything off (soooo satisfying lol). Obviously, this might not be what everyone needs and someone might need therapy from the beginning or putting the work in themselves first and then bring in their family, but this just what helped me.
I was also aware that if these tools did not work and everything was still triggering and causing a decline that I knew I would need bring in outside help (again a conversation I had with Sean). I have a background in counseling and by no means am I opposed to therapy (huge proponent of it here) and would have no problem seeking it for myself, however, based on what I felt I needed out of the sessions a lifecoach was a better fit (cue all the audible exasperated oil hating sighs). I will not try to change your mind on this issue, I will just implore you to do the research on what a lifecoach does and how they can contribute to your day to day differently than that of a traditional therapist. However, I do know MANY lifecoaches that are also licensed therapists. Keep in mind, I knew where my anxiety was coming from. I did not feel I needed to dredge up memories or talk about my childhood or explain decisions I had made or relive parts of my life that I am 100% okay that are hidden in the back of my mind. Trust me, I know they are there. What I did need was tools to help me move beyond that and how to restructure things to move forward. My entire life is organized (maybe to a fault) with baskets, crates, and chalkboard labels, but it was clear that my mind needed the same type of organization. I relate to the "SQUIRREL!!" meme on a very deep level.
My mind is always going and I am always thinking of the next thing, the next task, the next project, so one of my main goals that I wanted to work on was enjoying the moment, taking a breath and being able to walk away and let it be okay that I wasn't dealing with everything "now, now, now" or felt that I had too.
Here are just a few things I did and have begun to work on. It may seem small or insignificant to some, but the impact on my day to day has been life-changing.
Being more transparent with people who I felt a chest-tightening response every time I was receiving their text messages. Yes these people exist in my life. As a side note, if I am saying in a text "please stop" or I am responding with one word responses to your very long "view all" text message, know to end the conversation. I have since begun responding to these messages where the conversations do not stop with "I am sorry, but this is becoming unhealthy, I need to block these texts for awhile". I have learned that texts for these types of individuals are better than phone because they can continue the forced conversation without being immediately hung up on.
I haven't been on Facebook for over a decade and it is the best decision I have ever made in my life. Recently, I went through my "following" on Instagram and cleaned up anyone that I felt didn't make me feel good. These types of accounts should be self explanatory, but wow, the cleansing felt good. However, there were also quite a few accounts that I love to follow, but the comments section makes me squirmy (mainly any celebrity, political, or home decor account-you'd be surprised how aggressive people can get about their opinions on carpeting). Literally, the comments section gave me anxiety and I would go down the rabbithole of reading them and become more and more anxious and more and more offended by the minute for the person I didn't even knows comment section until a good chunk of my free time passed and I was more annoyed than when I first started. Good times! Sean had told me forever and a day ago to stop reading the comments section but here we are and finally heeding this advice. It has been quite the learning curve I tell you (I had no idea how hard it would be to stop doing this), but not only has the scrolling of Instagram become more relaxing, but I am not spending nearly as much time on it. Win-Win!
This was the HARDEST one. I prided myself on working hard and building the relationships I did with my students. I would answer quick emails over the weekends, late at night and on vacation (which drove my MIL nuts). After my discussion with Sean, this was one of the number one things that bothered him. He always told me that other people including fellow colleagues and my own students, etc. were not doing this on their off time and therefore, I shouldn't be either. Nothing, I was saying could not wait until the next day or Monday and that the reality was that if a student was writing me Friday evening, they were not expecting an email until Monday anyway. Therefore the best thing I could have done for myself was remove my work email icon from my phone. I didn't uninstall Outlook because I still needed access to my work calendar and "just in cases", but it has made a world of difference in my downtimes in the evening when I would "just see" what was going on. I would feel compelled to respond if a student sent me an email that they were upset over something and were looking for my advice. When I came across this Tweet on Instagram (because I do not Twitter) it spoke to my very soul and I look at this every time I consider either checking my email after work hours or on the weekend and instead go use that time to play with the kids.
I try to take a "me" moment every now and again. Whether it be a shower by myself while Sean takes the kids outside. I have a Bluetooth Speaker in our shower and often I will take the time to listen to one my favorite Podcasts while doing so or dying my hair (this is actually really relaxing to me lol). I will just sit outside with a cup of coffee and scroll on Instagram or catch up with a friend on the phone or sometimes I will go super early for a quick run to Target by myself. Yes, it is quick and few and far between, but just getting in the car to do something "normal" puts me at ease. Take. The. Break. Even if you can only give it five minutes. Trust me when I tell you, not taking the break is going to lead you down a very ugly spiral of bottling in that will release at a terrible moment and will only make everything worse.
I cannot even tell you the embarrassing fights I have forced myself to have with Sean because once I started with the anger, I just wanted to stay in that zone. If you are going to have an argument, have it be constructive, not over something like adding a quarter cup of bleach to the white sheets #truestory. You should have seen the mudslide I created over this...never again.
I am learning to let EV communicate her feelings the best way she sees fit and then she and I talk about them. This has been not only very therapeutic for her (yes, I recognize she's four, but she's also an empath), but also for me. We talk about the importance of emotions and it being okay to be upset about small things and also the importance of talking about why those things upset us even if small. I also let her know that it is okay to just freak out. Often during this time I will just lead her outside for about two minutes and I let her and I scream everything out. I can't remember where, but I remember a dad posting this about him and his daughter and it is a great way to release frustration (I am sure for those two minutes our neighbors disagree), but we are in a pandemic and its therefore quite fitting.
Even though it is pretty much Summer here year round in Florida, there is something about seeing Summer outfits start to make their appearance on social media, shorts and swimsuits making their way to Target, all the Summer decor being introduced decked out in bright colors, flamingos, and Summer fruits that has a way of working into my psyche and relaxing my soul. Sean is already talking about taking out our "pool" and waterslide this weekend and since then, I have been counting down the minutes. I am hoping with the introduction of the Summer sun and Danny's birthday actually being in Disney this year that I can start to have more relaxing moments than not. We are doing a staycation at the Dolphin hotel again but I actually made park reservations this time as a "just in case" since a lot of people will be vaccinated (hopefully) and we can decide if later in the day we want to just walk around. It will be incredibly hot and Summer will have started which means more people so we are still not sure if we will do it, but at least we have them. If anything walks around the Boardwalk, mobile ordering, and some nice pool time will be just fine with me and hopefully my anxiety can just hang in back and be leisurely.
Which brings me to my next suggestion.
Plan something...anything...nothing is too small. Just plan something that you can look forward too whether it be an outdoor picnic, or an outdoor movie night, the zoo, even if you plan to order a fun dinner in and plan a theme night around it with the kids. If you need to do something for yourself and your vaccinated or feel safe doing so, make a nail appointment or get your hair trimmed and blow-dried...whatever will give you some semblance of normalcy and happiness and again, something to look forward too. Future plans are important. I think the reason why it took my anxiety so long to seep in and spiral out of control was that I was constantly planning something during the pandemic and then exhaustion set in and I just stopped. As of yesterday (and Sean and I's second dose coming up), my entire family will be fully vaccinated. We plan to take the additional 3 weeks of quarantining after, but it has been a wonderful change of pace to start planning super small and still safe social gatherings (our kids are still small) and focus on the enjoyment of the little things...like my love of packing and doing weekend jaunts again. I already know how weird this sounds....Even if you are not vaccinated, any of the above mentioned can be done safely socially distanced.
I recently came across this and after the giggle, it is just something I want to embrace even if for a little while...
I still think people should be safe and embrace the social distance constraints with a mask...above your nose people, but there is something to be said to see some semblance of light at the end of the tunnel...
The last thing....take care of yourself...put yourself first if you need too, take care of your mental health and do not think that "it will just go away". Also, talk to someone your close to about what is going on, if you just need to get it out in the open tell them that.."I want comfort not solutions". Put in the work for your mental health whether it be to drive to the beach by yourself, go for a walk or a run, paint your nails with no interruptions or listen to your favorite podcast and lastly, if you are still struggling seek the help that you need with a professional and do not be afraid to shop around for a therapist the way you would a good pair of fitting jeans...it might take a few tries, but you will find one that vibes with you and makes your butt look incredible....you get the idea.
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